Mindset Matters: Abundance Mindset and Self Love for Dating Success
Feb 04, 2023
You're scrolling through a dating app when that familiar thought creeps in: "All the good ones are taken." Or maybe it's "I'm too old/too busy/too complicated for this." Sound familiar?
These thoughts feel true. They feel like facts based on evidence. But here's the thing—they're actually a mindset, and that mindset is silently sabotaging your love life in ways you probably don't even realize.
In this post, we're going to talk about the difference between a scarcity mindset and an abundance mindset—and why making this shift might be the most important thing you do for your dating life.
of people who report finding healthy, lasting relationships describe themselves as having believed "the right person was out there" before they found them.
In This Post
- Abundance vs. Scarcity: Understanding Your Dating Mindset
- What Abundance Actually Means
- The Scarcity Trap
- How Scarcity Shows Up in Your Dating Life
- Embracing an Abundance Mindset
- Recognizing Your Worth
- Building Self-Love Habits
- The Confidence Connection
- Powerful Mindset Shifts
- Putting Yourself Out There
Abundance vs. Scarcity: Understanding Your Dating Mindset
Before we dive into specific practices, let's get clear on what we're actually talking about when we say "abundance mindset" and "scarcity mindset."
What Abundance Actually Means
Abundance isn't toxic positivity. It's not pretending everything is fine when it isn't, or plastering a smile on your face while ignoring real pain.
True abundance is the deep belief that there are enough good things—including love, connection, and worthy partners—for everyone, including you.
Cultivating abundance means finding genuine joy in your life while also knowing how to sit with discomfort. It means facing the hard parts of dating—being ghosted, experiencing rejection, recovering from breakups—without letting those experiences convince you that love isn't available to you.
The Abundance Difference
When you operate from abundance, you can experience a painful dating moment—a rejection, a breakup, a disappointment—and still believe there's love out there for you. You don't need to avoid pain. You learn to move through it with self-reflection, resilience, and healing.
The Scarcity Trap
Scarcity is a restrictive mindset focused on lack. It whispers things like:
Signs You're in Scarcity Mode
- "All the good ones are taken"
- "Dating apps don't work for people like me"
- "I'm running out of time"
- "I'll never find someone who accepts my baggage"
- "There's something fundamentally wrong with me"
When you're operating from scarcity, you make decisions from a place of fear and anxiety. You might settle for less than you deserve because you're afraid nothing better is coming. You might tolerate behavior that doesn't feel good because you're scared of being alone. You might chase people who aren't right for you because any attention feels like a win.
Scarcity doesn't just affect your dating life—it negatively impacts your mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being.
How Scarcity Shows Up in Your Dating Life
Scarcity in dating often stems from past heartbreak, disappointment, or the cumulative weight of dating experiences that didn't work out. It can also come from messages you internalized growing up—about your worthiness, about love being conditional, about there being something "wrong" with wanting partnership.
I had a client who came to me convinced she was "too much" for any man to handle. She'd been told this by an ex and had internalized it as truth. Every time she started dating someone new, she'd preemptively tone herself down—hiding her enthusiasm, her opinions, her authentic personality. Unsurprisingly, these connections never went anywhere because the men weren't actually getting to know her. Once she recognized this scarcity pattern and started showing up fully, she found someone who loved her because of her intensity, not despite it.
Here's what scarcity looks like in action:
Scarcity Behavior
Accepting inconsistent communication because "at least he texts sometimes"
Abundance Behavior
Recognizing that someone who can't communicate consistently isn't a match—and trusting that someone better will come along
Scarcity Behavior
Going on a fourth date with someone you're not excited about because "maybe feelings will develop"
Abundance Behavior
Kindly ending things to make room for someone who sparks genuine interest
Scarcity Behavior
Obsessing over why someone didn't text back, making it mean something about your worth
Abundance Behavior
Feeling the disappointment, then refocusing on your life—knowing the right person will show up enthusiastically
Embracing an Abundance Mindset
Adopting an abundance mindset isn't about pretending dating is easy or that rejection doesn't hurt. It's about fundamentally shifting how you think about yourself, your options, and your future.
What Abundance Looks Like
- Recognizing that there are plenty of amazing people who would be lucky to be with you
- Letting go of the belief that love is a scarce resource you need to grab before it runs out
- Understanding that one person's rejection doesn't mean anything about your overall dateability
- Trusting that you will find the right person—and that timing is part of the equation
To make this shift, start by reframing the thoughts that keep you stuck:
"All the good men are taken."
"There are plenty of great men out there who are available and actively looking for someone like me. I just haven't met mine yet."
"Dating apps don't work for me."
"I can use dating apps strategically to find the right person. They're a tool, and I can learn to use them effectively."
Recognizing Your Worth
Here's a truth that might be uncomfortable: you cannot fully embrace abundance if you don't believe you're worthy of it.
Many people walk around with a secret belief that there's something fundamentally wrong with them—that they're too broken, too complicated, too needy, too independent, too something to be truly loved. This belief colors every dating interaction, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You are inherently worthy of love. Not because of what you do or how you look or what you achieve—but simply because you exist.
There are so many people out there who would be lucky to have you in their lives. Read that again. Let it sink in. Your job isn't to convince someone to love you—it's to find someone who already recognizes what they'd be getting.
Building Self-Love Habits
If you want to attract abundance and happiness in your life, you need to prioritize self-love and self-care. This isn't about bubble baths (though those are nice)—it's about genuinely treating yourself as someone worthy of your own time, energy, and attention.
Practice Gratitude Daily
Spend a few minutes each day focusing on what you're grateful for—in life and in dating. This literally rewires your brain to notice abundance instead of scarcity.
Spend Time with People Who Lift You Up
Surround yourself with friends and family who see your worth and reflect it back to you. Their belief in you helps reinforce your own.
Invest in Your Own Life
Build a life you genuinely love—one that doesn't depend on finding a partner to be complete. Pursue hobbies, goals, and experiences that bring you joy.
Use Daily Affirmations
Regularly remind yourself of your worth through intentional affirmations. Over time, these new beliefs replace the old, limiting ones.
📔 Daily Affirmations Journal
My Daily Affirmations Journal is my secret weapon for sustaining lasting self-worth. It's the exact journal I use every day—PLUS my exact morning routine!
What's inside:
- 130 potent, done-for-you affirmations to increase confidence, foster independence, reduce people-pleasing, decrease perfectionism, and increase self-trust
- My exact weekly mindset exercise for discarding thoughts working against you
- My exact step-by-step morning routine for building self-confidence
- A Daily Journal template including gratitude prompts, to-do items, affirmations, and morning routine (with examples)
The Confidence Connection
Confidence in yourself is absolutely crucial when it comes to dating. When you're confident, you date from a healthy place instead of a place of neediness or loneliness. You won't settle for less than you deserve. You won't accept unacceptable behavior.
When you're confident in yourself, red flags are no longer red flags—they're deal-breakers.
— Mandy HaleBut how do we actually build this confidence? It starts with resetting our sense of worthiness.
Think about this: as babies, we didn't doubt our worthiness. We cried when we needed something, fully expecting to be cared for. We didn't apologize for taking up space. We just existed, knowing we deserved love.
But as we grew older, other people's opinions started getting in our heads. We may have had experiences—conscious or not—where we decided that our authentic self wasn't enough and dimmed ourselves to fit in. Maybe a parent criticized you. Maybe kids at school rejected you. Maybe a past partner made you feel like you were too much or not enough.
These experiences, whether we remember them or not, still affect us today. Many of us seek worthiness and validation from others because we've lost the ability to give it to ourselves.
If you're not feeling supported, it may be because you're not supporting yourself. External validation feels good, but it's never enough when internal validation is missing. You have to acknowledge yourself before others can truly acknowledge you.
Remember: nobody's perfect, and that's what makes us all so special. Embrace your imperfections. Learn to love yourself exactly as you are. Self-love and self-confidence are the keys—whether you're looking for love or just want to build a more fulfilling life.
Powerful Mindset Shifts for Building Confidence
If you struggle with feeling worthy, here are some specific belief shifts to try:
"I'm too broken to be loved."
"I am wounded, and I still deserve love. The skills I need to heal are accessible to me, and I will go after them."
"I'm not good enough. I'm not worthy."
"Worthiness is my birthright. There is absolutely nothing I can do to remove or reduce my worthiness."
"If I'm single, something is wrong with me. If I'm partnered, I'm worthy."
"There is nothing wrong with me, and other people do not determine my worthiness. There is nothing I need to do or be to be worthy."
Write your new beliefs on sticky notes and put them where you'll see them daily—your bathroom mirror, your computer monitor, your car dashboard. Repetition is key to replacing old thought patterns.
Learn to Practice Self-Love
Self-love can feel elusive and complex—like something you either have or don't. But that's not true. Self-love is a practice, and it can be learned.
📖 Self-Love How-To Workbook
In my 52-page Self-Love How-To Workbook, I break self-love down into 5 digestible components.
You'll get my tried-and-true therapist-hack tricks as I walk you through my 4-step proven process for creating lasting self-worth. (Spoiler: it's NOT just saying affirmations to yourself.)
These are the same straightforward, step-by-step strategies I use with individual clients—now available for you to use on your own.
Get the Workbook →Putting Yourself Out There
Adopting an abundance mindset and recognizing your worthiness is essential—but at some point, you also need to take action. Mindset without action is just positive thinking. Action without mindset often leads to burnout and disappointment.
The magic happens when you combine both.
Ways to Put Yourself Out There
- Join a dating app (or revisit one with fresh eyes and an updated profile)
- Ask a friend to set you up on a date
- Say yes to social invitations, even when you'd rather stay home
- Strike up conversations with people you find interesting in everyday life
- Join groups or activities aligned with your interests
Remember This
There is no such thing as the "right time" to start dating. If you're emotionally ready and doing the inner work, then it's time to start putting yourself out there. Don't wait until you're "perfect"—that day will never come. Start now, as the beautifully imperfect person you are.
The World Is Waiting for You
Mindset plays a crucial role in dating and finding love. By adopting an abundance mindset, letting go of limiting beliefs, cultivating self-love, and embracing your inherent worthiness, you open yourself up to the abundance of potential partners out there waiting for someone exactly like you.
You are worthy of love and happiness. Not someday when you lose weight or get the promotion or fix all your issues—right now, exactly as you are.
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