The Dos and Don'ts of Texting Etiquette: Striking the Right Balance

You've done the hard work: downloaded the apps, crafted your profile, and started matching with people who genuinely interest you. Now you're in the DMs with someone you're excited about—and suddenly, every text feels like a test. Should you respond right away? Wait an hour? Two hours? Is that emoji too much?

If you're overthinking every message and exhausting yourself trying to seem "just interested enough," you're not alone. Texting anxiety is one of the most common struggles I see in my coaching practice—and it's completely fixable.

The Real Dos and Don'ts of Texting Etiquette

Let's start by addressing the elephant in the room: playing games is outdated and counterproductive.

You know what I'm talking about—intentionally delaying responses to seem less interested, crafting the "perfect" reply that takes 45 minutes to write, or following arbitrary rules like "wait twice as long as they took to respond."

Here's what I've learned from years of coaching: emotionally intelligent, high-quality partners aren't attracted to games. They're attracted to people who communicate with confidence, authenticity, and emotional availability.

When (and How) to Respond to Text Messages

The "right" time to respond to a text is simple: when you can.

This doesn't mean you should drop everything the moment your phone buzzes. If you're living a rich, full life—working, seeing friends, pursuing hobbies—you naturally won't be glued to your phone every second. And that's exactly how it should be.

The difference between healthy texting and game-playing comes down to intention. If you're not responding because you're genuinely engaged in something else? That's healthy. If you're staring at your phone, watching the minutes tick by because you read somewhere that you should wait 23 minutes? That's a game—and it's exhausting.

Maintaining Your Authentic Texting Style

One of the biggest mistakes I see? People completely changing how they communicate to seem more appealing to someone they've just started talking to.

If you're naturally enthusiastic and expressive—someone who uses exclamation points, sends voice memos, and loves a good emoji—don't tone yourself down. Your texting style is part of your personality. The right person will appreciate it.

That said, there's a difference between being authentically expressive and oversharing too soon. The things you'd tell your best friend without hesitation might be things you share gradually with someone new—not because you're hiding, but because trust and intimacy develop over time.

What Type of Texter Are You?

In Love in the Time of Texting by Shawna Ryan (which featured me and other dating experts!), I identified four distinct texting styles. Understanding yours—and recognizing others'—can transform how you navigate early dating communication.

There's no "right" style—but problems arise when two people with very different styles don't recognize or discuss the difference. A Rapid-Fire Texter might feel rejected by a Minimalist's brief responses, when really, the Minimalist just prefers saving the good stuff for in-person conversation.

Texting Tips That Actually Work

Let's get into the specific dos and don'ts that will help you navigate texting with more confidence and less anxiety.

Don't Overthink Who Should Text First

I need you to hear this: obsessing over who texted last or whose "turn" it is will drain your energy and add nothing positive to your connection.

If you want to text them, text them. If you have something to say, say it. The right person won't be keeping score—and if they are, that tells you something important about their emotional maturity.

Do Strike a Natural Balance

Instead of following arbitrary rules, focus on creating organic rhythm. Respond when you can. Initiate when you have something to share. Let the conversation breathe.

If you have a rich individual life—and you should—you won't be available to respond instantly every time. Go to your workout class. Have dinner with friends. Take a walk without your phone. Your life shouldn't pause because someone might text you.

Don't Be Afraid to Communicate Your Needs

Setting boundaries isn't about being difficult—it's about respecting yourself and building a foundation for healthy communication.

If you need some space or time to yourself, it's okay to let the other person know. A simple "Hey, I'm heads-down with work this week but I'll text you this weekend" is honest, clear, and shows you respect both your time and theirs.

Do Be Honest and Authentic

In any relationship—even one that's just starting over text—honesty and authenticity are non-negotiable. Don't hide your true feelings or intentions just to avoid awkwardness or keep things "light."

If you're interested, show it. If something they said bothered you, address it kindly. If you're not feeling a connection, be honest rather than ghosting. Authenticity is a sign of respect—for them and for yourself.

The Truth About Sending Multiple Texts

Let's address the elephant in the room: Is triple-texting really that bad?

The honest answer: it depends on the texting style of both parties, your preferences, the stage of the relationship, and ultimately, whether the person you're texting is bothered by it.

The key is to look for reciprocity. If the other person texts like that too—rapid-fire 5+ messages in a row with different thoughts and there's almost a banter happening—go for it! This is where your critical thinking comes in.

However, if you're sending multiple messages hours apart that have gone unanswered, that's different. At that point, you're not having a conversation—you're having a monologue.

Following Up the Right Way

If you sent a text earlier and they haven't responded, a follow-up can be okay—but what you follow up with matters enormously. This is assuming you're still pretty new in getting to know them. It's important not to give them a play-by-play of your day if they aren't responding, or continue to send different messages hours apart that have gone unanswered.

What Changes After Several Dates

Once you're a few dates in (maybe 1-2 dates) and there's a strong mutual connection, the dynamic naturally shifts. You may feel more comfortable texting more frequently, sharing more of your day, even sending random thoughts as they occur to you.

If you're someone who likes to give the play-by-play of your day, and maybe the person you're texting isn't really a big texter, it's okay to ask them if it's cool if you continue to send updates—as long as you don't expect them to respond to all of it or respond right away.

As you progress through the stages of a relationship, the dynamic of communication will also change. After several dates, you may find that you're more comfortable with each other and may feel more inclined to text or call more frequently. But it's still important to be aware of the other person's preferences and boundaries.

But even then—especially then—communication about communication matters.

This kind of direct communication is what builds strong relationships. You're co-creating the dynamic together, rather than silently hoping they'll figure out what you need.

Co-creating the relationship dynamics is key, even after several dates. It's important to continue to check in with each other and make sure you're both on the same page. If you find that your texting habits have become a source of tension, address it and come up with a solution that works for both of you. It's all about finding that balance and being considerate of the other person's feelings.

Remember, finding love and healthy communication is a two-way street—it's important to work together to create a comfortable and healthy dynamic that works for both of you.

How to Communicate and Establish Boundaries

Healthy texting isn't just about what you send—it's about creating a communication dynamic that works for both people.

Be Clear About Your Style

Before hitting send on your usual style of message, it can help to have a brief conversation about preferences. They may not be as text-savvy as you, and that's completely fine—as long as you're both on the same page.

Ask them how they feel about the frequency and tone of your messages. Share your own preferences too. This isn't being "too much"—it's being clear and respectful.

Set Clear Boundaries (And Respect Theirs)

Everyone has texting quirks that can cause unintended friction. Maybe they find periods at the end of texts cold or distressing. Maybe you hate one-word responses. Maybe they need a phone-free hour after work to decompress.

If the person you're messaging (or you yourself) isn't a fan of one-word answers, finds certain punctuation distressing, or has other texting quirks—have a conversation about it. Talk person to person about meanings and experiences.

These conversations might feel awkward at first, but they prevent so much unnecessary anxiety. You're checking facts instead of creating narratives.

Also, if they bring up any concerns, be open to discussing them and finding a solution that works for both of you. Remember: it is always alright to stop texting, take a moment, and then respond with a clearer mind and your better self.

Give Them Space (And Take Your Own)

Everyone has busy days. Unexpected things come up. Sometimes people just need time to recharge before engaging in conversation.

Don't expect immediate responses—or any response within a specific timeframe. Give them the space to reply on their own terms. And if they don't respond, don't take it personally. Keep living your own life, honoring yourself, and pick up the conversation when they're ready.

Putting It All Together

The key to mastering healthy texting communication comes down to a few core principles:

Remember: finding love and healthy communication is a two-way street. It's about working together to create a dynamic that feels comfortable, sustainable, and genuinely enjoyable for both of you.

About Kelsey Wonderlin

Kelsey is a licensed therapist and dating coach based in Nashville, TN. Her work has been featured in The New York Times, T-Mobile, and on W Radio. Her courses serve over 6,000 students across 78+ countries on 6 continents. Follow her on Instagram @kelseywonderlin for free dating content.