How to Practice Self-Love: Honor Your Wants, Needs, and Values

You know that nagging feeling when you say "yes" to something you really wanted to say "no" to? Or when you twist yourself into a pretzel trying to be what you think someone else wants? Yeah, we need to talk about that.

Because here's the truth: the way you treat yourself sets the standard for how others will treat you. And if you're constantly abandoning your own wants, needs, and values to please everyone else, you're not just exhausting yourself—you're actually sabotaging your chances at the healthy, fulfilling relationship you deserve.

The Connection Between Self-Love and Relationship Success

Self-love isn't just a buzzword or something you put on a cute mug. It's the foundation that every healthy relationship is built on—including (and especially) your relationship with yourself.

When you develop genuine self-love, something shifts. You start to recognize your strengths and boundaries more clearly. You stop apologizing for taking up space. You begin making decisions that actually honor who you are, rather than who you think you should be.

And here's what's beautiful about this: when you're clear on what you want and value, and you actually honor that, you naturally attract partners who are also clear on what they want and value. No more guessing games. No more pretending. Just two whole people choosing each other.

What Self-Respect Actually Means (And What It Doesn't)

Let's get specific, because "self-respect" gets thrown around a lot without anyone explaining what it actually looks like in real life.

To cultivate healthy self-respect, you need to acknowledge your unique strengths, talents, quirks, and passions. You need to practice self-care, recognize your feelings, and set boundaries. Most importantly, you need to start making decisions that honor who you are as a person.

The Flip Side: What Self-Disrespect Looks Like

Self-disrespect is sneaky. It often disguises itself as being "easy-going" or "low-maintenance" or "not wanting to cause problems." But really, it shows up as:

Why Knowing Yourself Changes Everything

Here's something that might seem obvious but is actually revolutionary: you can't honor your values if you don't know what they are.

Taking time to really get to know yourself—your values, your wants, your needs—isn't self-indulgent. It's essential. Without this knowledge, finding YOUR people and joining activities that align with your values becomes trial by fire. You're just guessing and hoping for the best.

But when you spend quality time getting to know yourself? You develop a greater appreciation for WHO YOU ARE. And that unlocks the ability to make decisions that enhance your personal growth and are genuinely self-honoring.

Exploring Your Inner Landscape

Self-discovery means exploring your motivations, feelings, and desires—and taking the time to understand why certain aspects hold more importance than others. Ask yourself questions like:

• What makes me feel most alive?
• What do I truly value (not what I think I should value)?
• What are my non-negotiables in relationships?
• When do I feel most like myself?

Prioritizing What Replenishes You

Once you know yourself better, you can prioritize your life to replenish your internal resources. This means recognizing how much energy different activities take and making sure high-energy tasks are also highly important to your sense of self—like spending time with quality friends or exploring your creative pursuits.

The Complexity of Knowing What You Actually Want

Let's be real—it's not always easy to figure out where our desires come from. Are they truly our own, or are we just doing something because we think it's what others want or like? 🤔

It's a common trap. We're constantly bombarded by societal norms and expectations, and it can be genuinely hard to distinguish between what we truly want and what we think we're supposed to want.

That's why self-exploration matters so much. The more you practice asking yourself what YOU actually want (without judgment), the easier it becomes to separate your authentic desires from external expectations.

It's also important to consider how past experiences and upbringing have shaped your desires. Did you grow up in an environment where your desires were discouraged or not supported? How have past relationships influenced what you think you want?

These experiences have shaped you, but you can be mindful not to let them fully dictate your choices in the present. Try to notice when your present feels too similar to the past, and adjust your thoughts accordingly to the facts of today.

How to Build Your Self-Love Foundation

Self-discovery is a lifelong process, but even taking small increments of time to self-explore helps build the foundation for a deeper sense of fulfillment and self-love.

Here are the practices that make the biggest difference:

1. Mindful Listening (Silencing Your Inner Critic)

Loving yourself isn't just about physical and mental wellness—it also involves actively listening to your inner voice and engaging in meaningful conversations with yourself.

Mindful listening means being fully present in the moment and focusing on the thoughts and feelings that arise within you. By paying attention to these inner messages and compassionately making sense of them, you can begin to quiet that inner critic (you know, the a-hole in your head) and develop a more reality-based perspective.

2. Deep Self-Reflection

Deep self-reflection helps you understand yourself by looking beyond your immediate reactions and thought patterns. It allows you to gain insight into who you truly are as a person.

Self-reflection might seem daunting at first, but it's essential for self-love. Here's how to start:

3. Self-Love Journaling

Self-love journaling means regularly writing down your thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to how you treat yourself. This type of journaling helps you reflect on your self-worth, identify areas that need attention, and track your progress as you work towards a healthier relationship with yourself.

Whether you're just starting your self-love journey or looking to deepen your practice, a dedicated self-love journal can be a powerful companion along the way.

The "What Do Others Want?" Trap

When you make choices based on what you think others want, you can attract the wrong partners. Trust me, I've been there! 🙋‍♀️

But when you're clear on what YOU want and value, and you HONOR that, you attract healthy partners who are also clear on what they want and value.

The first column? Those aren't acts of self-respect. They're driven by societal expectations and the fear of being judged. They stem from the belief that others hold the power to determine your worth and success.

This way of thinking leads to a lack of self-awareness and a disregard for your own needs and wants. In order to maintain self-respect, you need to consider what YOU want for yourself, rather than solely what others expect of you.

Fighting Self-Doubt

One of the most powerful ways to fight self-doubt is to stop comparing yourself to others. It's easy to feel bad about yourself when you compare your life and accomplishments to everyone else's highlight reel—but remember that nobody's perfect and everyone has their own journey.

Another way to fight self-doubt is to challenge negative thoughts. Negative thoughts can spiral and lead to crushing self-doubt, but you can learn to recognize them and replace them with more balanced, realistic thoughts about yourself.

Honoring Yourself Creates Fulfillment (And Protects Your Mental Health)

Choosing based on what others want can lead to feelings of resentment and dissatisfaction, because you're not fulfilling your own desires and needs. Over time, this negatively impacts your self-esteem and confidence.

To live a fulfilling life and truly respect yourself, you need to make decisions based on your personal values and beliefs. This requires self-reflection and a strong sense of self-worth—which is built over time through experiences, accomplishments, and inner reflection.

Give Yourself Permission to Take Action

After engaging in self-reflection, take actionable steps to honor your wants and needs. Listen to what your body, mind, heart, and soul want—and prioritize them.

When you make it a point to act on what you need and want, you're being true to yourself. You're rebuilding loving trust with yourself that will continue to grow over time.

So take a moment to reflect: What have you been doing not because YOU want to, but because you think others like it or because you think it will attract a partner?

Get clear on what YOU want and value, and you'll find that you attract partners who are a perfect match for the real you. 💜

Ready to Go Deeper?

About Kelsey Wonderlin

Kelsey Wonderlin is a licensed therapist, mental health professional, and dating coach located in Nashville, TN. She has been featured in the NY Times, by T-Mobile, and on W Radio. Her courses serve over 6,000 students across 78+ countries and 6 continents. Follow her for free content on Instagram @kelseywonderlin